Pets Causing Conflicts in Relationships?

Pets Causing Conflicts in Relationships?

What are problem areas where pets cause problems in relationships and what can you do about them?

Just like it is with children, couples may not always see eye to eye on how to best "parent" a pet. And because consistency is so important this can lead to confusion for the dog and arguments for the "parents." Serious problems can arise with inconsistent rules and treatment.

If a couple has made the decision to get a dog I think it's essential to discuss some of the issues that will arise. This gives the couple a chance to find out of they're on the same page in how they'll raise their pet and to also create some rules. For instance, some people may have a big problem with a dog getting on the bed while their partner may not see this as an issue. So the more "if's" you can discuss in advance the easier it will be when the "if" actually happens and you already know how you intend to respond.

Another problem is attention-seeking behavior based out of jealousy. Dogs often do not do well with change, so if all of a sudden a dog isn't getting 100% of the attention it is used to receiving, it can act out, typically by ploys like barking, jumping or nipping. But this can turn into more destructive behavior like stealing shoes, tearing at the furniture or in extreme cases, aggression, particularly if a couple is getting intimate.

What are ways to help your pet adjust to a new love, and vice versa?
The best way to get the dog to adjust to an additional presence is for the new person to create a bond with the dog and form their own relationship. Simple things like taking the dog for a walk or playing fetch, tug or catch will not only forge a bond but provides the opportunity for "directed guidance" which promotes respect. Another great method is for the new person to teach a dog a trick. By providing this kind of structure, in a fun and positive way, the dog will soon seek to please and mind both of the partners instead of just one.

Is visiting a trainer helpful, why?
Absolutely, because a qualified trainer will ask a lot of questions to better assess the situation and because they are on the outside looking in, may be able to offer some suggestions that the couple hasn't considered. One thing I run in to a lot is having to re-train dogs that have been taught incorrectly by well-meaning but misguided owners or inexperienced trainers. A good trainer understands that they're not just training the dog but they're also training the owner. Training can help stop a lot of problematic behavior but it is up to the owner to remain consistent in what they've learned.

A dog's memory isn't like an Etch-A-Sketch where you can just shake it and start from scratch. So regardless if you work with a professional or train your dog on your own it is important to stay consistent, positive and do everything you can to get it right the first time.

What are ways they can bond?
Having fun in an activity with the dog is the best way to bond with a dog that is new (to you). Going for a walk or a hike or even some interactive play is a great way to bond with a dog as long as that play has some boundaries. I'm also a big proponent of being hands-on with a dog so a nice massage or even just a gentle petting when watching TV can help instill trust and closeness.

What can you do if they just don't get along?
They will! But it may take some time and effort and remember consistency is key. This is where the help of a qualified, positively oriented trainer and behaviorist will be helpful. That way you can avoid the problem getting worse, and it will be much easier to fix if you start right from the beginning.

One thing I strongly recommend avoiding is sequestering the dog when the new person comes over. I am an advocate of teaching dogs early on that it's OK to be alone. By getting a dog accustomed to a crate or dog gate, and having it be a positive experience, many problem behaviors can be curtailed. But if the dog is just put away when the new person drops by then jealousy, anxiety and anger can be created.

What behaviors should you look out for?
If the dog is particularly aggressive to strangers it is best to seek the help of a professional positively based trainer. However, in some cases it just might be a low-level fear that will go away quickly when the dog has a chance to accept and trust the new person. Keeping the dog and new person at a safe and comfortable distance so they can get used to each other will help. Going on walks together, where the dog has a chance to experience the new person as a pleasant addition to fun things they already do can be helpful.

Additionally, for a fearful dog it is much better to ignore the dog until the dog decides it is comfortable and wants the attention of the new person. And if the new person ignores the dog for just a little longer than may seem necessary the end result will typically be the dog wanting to be friends that much more. This is a better approach than forcing yourself on a fearful dog which may end up creating a more negative outcome.

Do pets feel jealous?
(See above). Not only do pets get jealous but as we all know, people get jealous too. I've had people bring me their dogs to "fix" and quickly realized that the dog is fine, it's just responding to its environment. The problem is the new person in the relationship being unwilling to share their partner and actually sabotaging the situation. It's like people getting married when one of them already has children. You either buy in to the whole package and make it a positive situation or you fight it and create problems.

How long should adjustments take?
People who have never had pets are often shocked as to how quickly and strongly bonding can take place when the give and take is there from both the dog and the person. If you're looking for more focused training then strong results typically take hold in 2 to 3 weeks although it may take longer depending on the training methods and goals. Dogs that have serious problems adjusting to new people may take quite a bit longer to come around, conceivably several months, and in rare cases where dogs have deep-rooted and insurmountable fears it may never take place.

About the Author
Expert Dog Behaviorist Jonathan Klein has successfully trained more than 6,000 dogs and their owners over his 20-year career. Jonathan Klein posts tips on training and answers questions on his website: TheDogBehaviorExpert.com

He is the founder of the West Los Angeles-based, personalized dog-training center "I Said Sit!" which was voted the 2009 #1 Dog Training School in Los Angeles by KTTV-myFOXLA Hotlist. Jonathan was one of the first trainers to pursue the "causative" approach to training, which moves past the symptoms of behavior and instead focuses on the cause, to successfully address behavior problems without breaking the spirit of the dog.

Jonathan holds numerous professional association memberships, and has given hundreds of presentations on dogs, training, and responsible ownership...all from a place of praise-based training methods.