How To Keep Your Relationship Hot

How To Keep Your Relationship Hot

Take a survey of yourself. What is it that tends to draw your attention in life? Everyone has certain likes and dislikes in music, food, colors, styles, personalities, TV shows, hobbies and events. What is it that thrills you the most? If you had all of the time and money in the world, what would you love to spend your time doing?

As you make your list consider if you enjoy more quiet and private time or being with other people. Do you love the feeling of hanging out a local nightclub, or would you prefer the opera, a sporting event, hiking, sitting at home listening to music, or watching TV. Perhaps you enjoy reading books. What climate do you most enjoy? When are you most energized--morning, afternoon, or evening?

Now what kind of life do you currently live? Are you a workaholic? Do you love your job or do you hate it? Are you apathetic about life or any aspect of your life? What drives you? Is it money that lights a fire in you or perhaps you are moved by the emotional high of helping others achieve success. You must understand yourself before you can make decisions that help to change your personal habits.

Let me give you some examples of people I've coached in relationships. One gentleman who was an accountant was having a very difficult time having fun in the dating scene. In fact, he was so reserved the only time he had a second date was when he found someone who was also kind of boring and sedate. He had never really explored doing something crazy like upgrading his wardrobe, going kyaking, taking up dance lessons, or sitting to watch the stars with his date after an intimate dinner. He was so used to working with numbers and sitting behind his computer that he forgot how to engage in conversations having nothing to do with taking care of other people's money. We worked on simple things first like posture, new colors and styles in his wardrobe to include things other than suits, reading new books, magazines and newspapers and getting away from his desk after a certain hour. I gave him some ideas about places that women in the baby-boomer age group might like to go on a date. We discussed everything from being an excellent kisser, to understanding what women tend to want and need in relationships.

It is quite clear that many men and some women are looking for physical closeness and not emotional attachment. He was not that kind of man. He was interested in building a meaningful relationship with someone but was not able to hold anyone's attention long enough to get to that "lasting" place. What was it he was missing? He was missing the key element of remembering how to have fun and allow himself the pleasure of engaging in new experiences.

After about six months he began to come out of his shell. He moved outside of his comfort zone, and as difficult as it was at first, he moved beyond his fear of looking silly, not knowing how to start conversations with strangers, to being one of the most sociable fellows you could meet. He was kind of average looking when I first met him, a little bit overweight due to inactivity and spent a good deal of time at home alone or with a few close friends. He didn't feel comfortable moving in circles outside of his profession; it was like a safety net. Now he is enjoying his long-time girlfriend and they travel several times a year together, having moved in with one another about eight months after they began dating. She learned that putting away her huge Hummel collection made good sense, and he learned to be neater about leaving files and papers on tables, chairs and every counter space. They took up dancing together, in fact, that is where they met.

And on the female coaching side; one woman comes to mind. She was a dentist who had lost her husband one year prior to coming to me for counseling. We discussed the emotional transition of loss, the decisions one needs to make such as keeping a big home or moving to a new place. All of those important details kept her busy until one day she realized that she had become quite lonely but didn't know how to begin "living" again, or if she could allow herself to ever fall in love. As the months went on I let her know that if she continued to do what she had always done, she would always be where she had always been! An old cliche' but pertinent for her case. She needed to take a look at herself and to realize that she deserved to have a new life, not one that would replace the one she lived with her husband, but a life that complemented that life. I coached her into feeling confident about choosing a fresh wardrobe, and going to a new salon to get an updated look. We discussed taking up new activities and visiting cultural centers since she had an appreciation for art and music. I suggested some books to read about healing and others that helped her remember her sexy side. Her children were grown and it was time for her to have some fun. I asked what type of programs she tended to watch on TV when no one was around. She said she enjoyed cooking classes and programs like Martha Stewart. So I suggested that she take some classes to expand her interests. Once she felt comfortable she could once again invite people over to share time. Understandably she felt very distressed about inviting anyone into the home she shared with her husband, so I suggested that she get a realtor to help her consider other options. One day she called so excited about all of the changes taking place in her life.

She took some art classes and then one day she decided to take a cooking class downtown. Interestingly, that is just where she met the new love of her life, a delightful and handsome fellow who had been divorced for several years. They seemed to hit it off right away and when I met them as a couple for the first time I was thrilled to see that they could hardly take their hands off of one another --holding hands the entire time. She and he were relatively in the same age group--Baby Boomers each of them. They enjoyed similar music, started to go out to clubs and dancing and her children rather than being upset were actually quite happy that their mom was enjoying herself.

Try spicing up your life by reading some hot novels, watching movies you haven't seen, taking a tour with other singles, joining a class or discussion group, or experiencing activities you always wished you could. Figure out what really makes you happiest and improve just one aspect of yourself and your life at a time. Just making small changes can be incredibly freeing and invigorating.

Some of the success letters I have gotten from clients are as follows: " I met the greatest guy when I was at the dog groomer's. He saw my Dalmation and struck up a conversation with me, before I knew it we were having coffee and our two dogs were lovin' each other as well. We've been dating 4 months now and I see us continuing this romance a long time."

"I did what you said and tried going to a new hairdresser in the city, rather than one in the burbs. It made all of the difference because I stopped at a Starbucks on my way out of the salon. While I was sipping my Chai Latte a fellow struck up a conversation with me. He said he just loved my hair and asked if he could call me sometime. I didn't give him my number just then, but asked if he would mind meeting me there the following week about the same time. He said yes and we are now calling each other and seeing each other constantly. It's like a dream come true. He never thought he would meet a woman of "substanc" at Starbucks, but there you go Dr. Angel, it made all of the difference...just getting my hair done somewhere new!"

"Dr. Angel, I took that new job in Boston. My family wasn't happy. It was scary, but two months after being here I met the most beautiful lady. She is brilliant, and fun and non-judgemental and we get along great! Her taste in clothing is terrific and it seems I must be in love because I can't get her out of my mind, though I haven't told her yet. Oh yeah, we've been seeing one another over 5 months now and each time she leaves it drives me crazy. Is that a really good sign? I'm hoping so. I think she will be my everlasting love. I will definitely let you know. Thanks for suggesting I take the job, cut my hair, shave the beard and get a fresh start. I wasn't feeling at all good about myself until now. I used to be quite a jerk with the ladies, used alot of them I guess you would say. After a long while of unimportant relationships just for the sex, I realized I woke up empty most of the time. The sex was good, the empty bed, and empty heart on a consistent basis was a killer. I've done what you said about forgiving myself and now am ready to really and fully engage in a relationship that will take me to the end of time."

These are just a few samples just to encourage you to take some steps to improve your life by improving yourself. Do what you can today to make a happier tomorrow. Please don't be one of those people that lets love slip through your hands because fear holds you back. Change is often difficult for many people, but without it we may never experience all that we truly are, or an extraordinary love.

Spice up your life with a fresh perspective in every area. Keep those things about your life that you absolutely love, add to it just enough change to make yourself, and your "forever" all that it can possibly be. In science we say that likes attract likes--two birds of a feather, two peas in a pod, veins of oil, mines of silver and gold, and the list can go on. Water continues to move to bodies of water after evaporation. People who are alike in important ways tend to find one another...but you must allow yourself to get outside of your personal jail, set yourself free to allow that attraction to occur.

If you already have a relationship and you are just looking for ways to keep things more exciting, try some of the following ideas: Sexting, a VERY hot way to get you lover thinking about you during the day/night. That means saying really erotic things by texting. Some daring people even send erotic photos --only what is allowed by alluring. Buy some new undergarments that show off your curves ladies. Try various colors and see what your partner enjoys most. You could even do the whole garter/boots thing one night! Do it differently in the bedroom. Undress your husband/lover for a change rather than just getting into bed already naked---boring. Wear lipstick with a flavor and the perfume your lover most adores. If you don't know---ask! Bring ice cubes into the bedroom, whipped cream, powdered sugar, fresh strawberies and other fun items you can keep on hand to spice things up. There are also plenty of new lubricants with flavors and even some that cause a hot sensation. Check them out! Visit a sex toy store with or without your partner. Watch a sexy movie together if you dare. Be sure your partner is okay with anything new first. But don't be afraid to introduce new positions, places, times of day, and for heaven's sake - be spontaneous. One of the deflated feelings people share is how starting sex in one place and having to move somewhere else is a bit of a turn-off. It ruins the momentum and the fun. But no matter what try to continue or mentally start over so that you get that same highpoint that one reaches in foreplay. Always so great to have sex play prior to lovemaking. Also think about getting away from the usual spot and surprising your lover with an overnight stay somewhere. Try to get a room with a jacuzzi sometime. You may also enjoy showering with your lover. Fantasize about where, what, when, how as often as you can. Keep photos of your lover on your phone. Look at them often. Mentally imagine undressing your lover long before you ever get together. Massage one another and take turns. Use fragrant massage oils to reduce friction. Say all of those wonderful things you think about during the day. Use your imagination and all of your passion---life and love can be incredibly exciting if you make the choice to bring that into your life!

Wishing you an exciting and fulfilling time as you step off into new horizons of you! Live, laugh, be the exciting person that you were meant to be, and love often!

Janet Angel is a sought-after wellness expert with advanced degrees in nutritional biochemistry and psychology. She believes that everyone needs to educate themselves on the wellness opportunities available around the world. Dr. Angel has counseled many prominent citizens across the United States and has participated in several international research programs surrounding health. She has been a guest on many radio programs, is a public speaker, author and seminar leader. Dr. Angel believes that the body has the innate ability to heal itself in most circumstances, given the right environment, the right elements and the opportunity. For further information on her drive to help others reach their fullest potential, please go to TotallyWell.com.