Dating and Baggage: How Baggage Can Ruin Your Dating Life

Dating and Baggage: How Baggage Can Ruin Your Dating Life

Do you know what baggage is? Baggage is an unresolved issue from the past that has not been resolved. Baggage can be a big detractor when it comes to dating.

Do you have some old baggage from your past that is weighing you down? Everywhere you go, do you take your Ex with you, including dates with new people? Do you talk about your old problems incessantly?

Baggage can be like a growing pile of dirty clothes in your bedroom. It is no way to start your day. You can't be efficient; you can't find what you need; you can't even enjoy what you have because--you need to clean up the mess first.

The same could be said for a person's life. Before you can start your day, the mess from yesterday has to be handled. Of course, no one says you HAVE to, but whether you realize it or not--it takes a lot of energy to ignore it.

What exactly is a mess from your past life? Relationships that have ended badly, with broken agreements and hurt feelings. Divorces and breakups usually make up most of them, but they can also exist between family members and friends.

Cleaning out closets and drawers has a miraculous effect on your sense of well-being. When you do it, you start to attract new people and events into your life. The same principles hold true for emotional clutter.

So how do you clean up a mess? It's about forgiveness.

HOW TO CLEAN IT UP:

Make a list of important relationships that have ended.

Ask yourself
Why are you no longer close to this person? Can the physical or emotional distance be bridged? Why did the relationship end? What was your part in the disintegration of it?

Contact the people you want to talk with.

IMPORTANT EXCEPTION: If you are no longer emotionally or physically SAFE with someone, ask a good friend to be a stand-in and role play this process with you. You can also do this with someone who has passed away--imagine they are sitting in a chair in front of you and say what you need to say.

Say something positive
Review where the relationship is now. Mention some positive characteristics about them that you remember. (EVERYONE has some positive traits) Recall some memory of a time you spent together that was worthwhile.

Ask for forgiveness
Own what you did, what you regret, apologize, and ask if they can forgive you. Keep it short, and don't make excuses. It doesn't matter what they did to you --that is for them to bring up. (They may not feel they did anything wrong and therefore, don't want or need you to forgive them. If this turns out to be true, work to forgive them when you are alone.) The point of this process is NOT to make them own what they did--it is to unhook you from the guilt and anger you feel when you think of this person. Whether you know it or not--you carry old events in your mind and heart and they cloud your current relationships.

Do not have expectations
Be careful not to have an agenda of how you want someone to react when you apologize. They may be in denial; they may be unable to see their part; they may even gloat that you are apologizing. You can't be attached to the outcome. After you apologize, you will know if you want to have them in your life, or let go of them, depending on how they respond.

After you clean up the baggage from the past, watch your dating life improve. You don't need to drag that old baggage around. Travel light. You deserve it.

Visit TonjaWeimer.com or SinglesDatingTips.com for more tips, skills, and insight on dating, relationships, singles, and love. Subscribe to our F*ree Savvy Dating Newsletter from master single's coach, life coach, and syndicated columnist, Tonja Weimer.

Copyright 2006, Tonja Weimer. (Please note source if reprinting this article.)